Detoxing from Perfectionism
Building a Culture of Collective Care
Welcome to the newsletter for people who want to experience a deeper connection through contemplative communication. Consider this an invitation to take a few minutes for yourself.
There are some key concepts that I want to explore and unpack — in order to grow more understanding and empathy for ourselves and others. To kick this off, I’d like to start with the concept of perfectionism. I’ll start with some considerations on perfectionism, and then we’ll go into a 5-minute guided reflection. Yes, there is homework!
We’re starting with perfectionism because I encounter it quite a bit in my work-life as an academic - both from my students and from the faculty I work with. And, of course, in myself, too. What is your relationship to perfectionism?
I usually hear about perfectionism in the form of a confession, followed by a shrug of the shoulders, “I’m just a perfectionist.” Something innocent like — I am careful and detail oriented and like to do good work. I also hear it in the context of group work — especially that the perfectionists tend to take on most of the work so they can ensure it is getting done in a manner they see fit.
But in Kerri Kelly’s recent book: “American Detox: the Myth of Wellness and How We Can Truly Heal,” she argues that
“We don’t need juice fasts or yoga fads. We need to detox from a culture rooted in perfectionism, white supremacy, and individualism — and move toward a model that embodies mutual responsibility and extends beyond self-help to collective care.”
And this is an important and loaded statement because — what does white supremacy have to do with perfectionism? How are perfectionism, white supremacy, and individualism related, as Kelly suggests? Let’s consider this for a minute.
Maybe you’ve heard of Tema Okun’s work. She’s noted for creating a manifesto on White Supremacy Culture - listing a variety of characteristics that can show up in organizations. She says that these characteristics can be so damaging because they’re used as norms and standards without outright naming them or identifying them. When she says white supremacy culture she means the dominant culture - the culture power elite - the ruling class.
Which is sometimes invisible. Because it’s everywhere.
These are the traits and characteristics that show up in people’s attitudes and behaviors — in both white people and people of color.
When I told a self-proclaimed perfectionist who happened to be Black about perfectionism’s ties to white supremacy - she almost fell out of her chair.
The culprits
So, Here are some of the traits of perfectionists. Take a moment to notice if any of these resonate with you:
Seeing mistakes as a reflection of yourself or of others rather than opportunities for growth.
Confusing making a mistake with being fundamentally flawed.
Neglecting to reflect and learn from failures, thus missing valuable lessons.
Focusing primarily on what is wrong while struggling to articulate and appreciate what is right.
Hosting a constant inner critic rather than embracing self-appreciation and compassion.
Fear of failure.
The antidotes
Now let’s turn our attention to some of the antidotes to perfectionism.
We can create a culture of appreciation where the efforts and contributions of each participant are recognized and valued. We can create a learning culture that embraces mistakes as opportunities for growth and development.
In this kind of environment, mistakes can be seen as a potential source of positive outcomes. Attempts do not need to be framed as failures. Let’s reframe mistakes as attempts and celebrate them —as in—you made an effort to try something new; well done.
We can also cultivate the ability to separate the person from the mistake, understanding that our errors never define our worth.
When offering feedback to others we can practice speaking first about what went well before offering any constructive criticism. We can encourage others to provide not just criticism but specific suggestions for improvement, fostering a supportive and growth-oriented environment.
Lastly, we can recognize that being overly critical of ourselves doesn’t enhance our work or contribute to our overall well-being. Instead, it diminishes our joy and prevents us from fully learning from our mistakes - our attempts.
Building a new culture
We can start this process by being aware and noticing when perfectionism rears its head and then treating ourselves with a little more kindness and understanding. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, we can put emphasis on articulating and appreciating what is right. Once we do this for ourselves, it’s important to help others reframe this perfectionism narrative as well. We can support our families, our coworkers, our students, our kids, our parents, our friends, and our loved ones in challenging these really pervasive and harmful narratives.
The end goal is to reflect and practice together, so let’s do this.
Guided reflection
This post is dedicated to a former student in my Mindful Communication course who confided in me that she was struggling with perfectionism.
What about you?
Thank you for being here. How did that go? What is your relationship to perfectionism? What would you like to see here? What topics are you interested in exploring? Leave a comment and say hello!
I loved reading this and listening to the meditation. This gave me a whole new way to frame perfectionism -- I’ll be thinking about it for a long time. Thank you.
I think I might call myself a perfectionist in recovery. I also think about perfectionism and its close cousin, ambition. I have less and less use for either of these as the years pass. Early motherhood brought out my worst, most extreme perfectionist tendencies, but then seeing how ridiculous my ideas were - absolutely obliterated by reality - oddly, maybe counterintuitively, helped me to change. But it's a process.